Well, after tues nite episode, i really dunno if i should continue.. i feel like we are moving in circles.. we are just standing at the same point after 2 years.... haiz... then we didn't move forward, then i really don't see how we can move forward in the future. Maybe from the start we are forcing ourselves to adapt to each other's lifestyle.. dunno.. i just told him maybe we should take some time to think abt it... later on he msg me say wat he feels very regretful... why? why everytime when he does something that pisses me off to the edge den he says such things? Why didn't cherish those chances i gave you?? i keep hoping that you will change a little for the sake of this relationship.. but you kept making me disappointed you know... i really dunno how to go on.. i don't even have the confidence to entrust my future into your hands... if you can't even be this understanding at such times, i really dunno what it would be like in the future.... I can only think of saying goodbye to you for the time being... you dunno how upset i am to make such a decision.. everyone knows except you.. it is hard for me, to put down 3 years of relationship.. it's hard for me to stick to it... and because of u, i went drinking even though i know it would make me feel worse... thanks to you...but i think we do need it.. and if nothing changes, maybe you should just find someone new. YOu always say that you will change.. but up till now, i really don't see much a change. Love is not everything that keeps a relaitonship going.. you can love me so deeply, but indulge in your own life... so what is the difference between a couple who has a crush on each other?? I am tired.. all i want now is that my mum gets well.. other things can be delayed till then...
Mum is in hospital.. dengue fever.. i'm dead worried about her since there was one doc who died of SARS but was diagnose dengue fever initially.. she look so frail & weak.. never in my entire life i had seen her like this.. scared the hell out of me.. and i felt so regretful abt the way i thought of hre & treated her in the past.. wat's wrong with me these days?? If she can get well again like before, i will not complain abt the unfair treatment b/w me & my bro. Then back to my fucking bf.. he called me last nite to tell me he is going to bed.. den later, his mother call me to ask me abt my mum.. den the way she tok to me is like hospi is very dangerous.. i might just get some sars virus and pass it on to his son or whatever.. but the truth is i haven seen that idiot since sat... and later on, he went out, telling his mother say he is coming to accompany me in the fucking damn hospi.. i am NOT even there.. and there is this "NO VISITORS" rule u know.. if he wans to go out with his freako friends, he can do so with any excuse.. why take my mum in hospi as an excuse? i am already very vexed, why can't he be a little more understanding? why must he keep making me feel like we are just going in circles and this relationship has no outcome? why? Why isn't he the most understanding one in such crisis? why?? i really dunno.. i dunno...
well, it has been a roller coaster ride last week.. firstly, i started off the week by feeling extremely down because of some stupid thing.. was so upset last mon tat i wanted to just go to a pub and drown myself into my sorrows... but then, got a little sense.. didn't do that or i might have regetted badly... den me and my big mouth ... said something i shouldn't have started... someone confessed a secret to me which i still feel uncomfortable and shocking.. i thought he is my good fren... i thought we would never cross the line between friendship & relationship... guess this is what everyone says "anything & everything is possible"... ah.. but oh well, one good thing abt this is that i didn;t have to reject... he knew i had a bf.. he knew everything in my life.. it is just weird that suddenly the last person u tot would confess that actually told u it has been going for a year.... argh.. as usual, i feel bad abt it... Later, saw how my mum struggle with the SARS thing.. she's looking for jobs.. in fact almost any type of jobs.. den feel so guilty about how i view her in the past..... come the day when i actually get to talk to one of my ex about our past... well, i guess i did waited for nearly 4 years to hear him say he regretted his actions towards me... well, i dunno if i did felt happy.. but i felt kinda of like everything is too late.... it's all in my memories, in my past... we both have our own lives.. was just wondering why he didn't tell me earlier.. why he didn't tell me 4 years ago... but everything belongs to the past.. we can only be friends now... later, after thinking so much abt our conversation, i decided to pen down our memories.. from the time we met, till now 4 years later.. summarize version... but as i write, i feel much light hearted... like i am putting away a piece of me into my heart and locked it up.... :-) geez.. spent the whole night writing that.... and so on sun.. just met my fren for lunch.. we talked alot.. haven met in months.. hehehe.. and she drag me from suntec to raffles to millienia walk to look for nice earrings.. well, in the end she din buy any.. and my beloved bro called me and asked me to go down to parkway as he does not have enoiugh money to buy his camping stuff.. argh!! and u know what? when i reached there, he told me he dun want to buy any already!!!!!!!!! Waste my time!!!!! yahz.. later quarrel with my bf again.. pissed him off .. but i don't care.. since he doesn't bother about me, why should i be angry? talked to my ex again... but this time round i was grumbling to him about my bf all night long!!! yahz.. and he asked me something surprising... asked me if i ever blamed him after we broke up and if i ever scolded him like this when we were together... well, i didn't blame him even after i knew the truth that he was two-timing me... don't ask me why.. i just didn't blame him.. and i sort of said like alot happened after we broke up.. den he kept pestering me about what it is.... i just said " actually i was waiting for u after we broke up.. but later on as time passes, i realised the chance of getting back together is almost reaching zero, so i gave it up." i was so embarrassed by this manz... and he say something like " why does all girls like to wait for guys to make hte first move?" i thought this is the nature of women.. or of asian women.. what do they expect me to do? pester them and beg them to reconsider their decision.. maybe some women do that but i have my pride... hehe.. but okayz lahz.. just let it go... hehe.. we can still be friends... later i msg him say "sometimes it's not good to know too much abt hte past... we might just think too much into it... " den he msg me back " hehe.. i know.. wo bu hui hu si luan xiang de.." yahz.. perhaps this is the balance we need to maintain now... i have a bf and he knows it.. so we can just be friends.. that is enough already...
i have decided to write my life story ... Yippie yappie... at last i could try to write it properly.. hopefully i get it done before school starts... And i'll published it somewhere in the internet together with my lyrics & everything else... haiz... *dreaming* Well, dreams are good.. and i thought that by re-organizing my thoughts, i would be able to record down the last 19 years of my life, or rather the last 7 years of my life. Primary school is boring. Did nothing but eat, sleep & study ++ practising my piano... Only after i got into sec sch den things spiced up! So yeah, please wait patiently for my auto biography (haha.. so lame) for the last 19 years... that is, if i managed to stick to it, and finish it all.... Pray for me!!
What if I told you It was all meant to be Would you believe me, Would you agree It's almost that feelin' That we've met before So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy When I tell you love has come and now...
A moment like this Some people wait a lifetime, For a moment like this Some people search forever, For that one special kiss Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me Some people wait a lifetime, For a moment like this
Everything changes But beauty remains Something so tender I can't explain Well I maybe dreamin' But 'till I awake Can we make this dream last forever And I'll cherish all the love we share
For a moment like this Some people wait a lifetime, For a moment like this Some people search forever, For that one special kiss Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me Some people wait a lifetime, For a moment like this
Could this be the greatest love of all I wanna know that you will catch me when I fall So let me tell you this... Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this Some people spent two lifetimes, For a moment like this Some people search forever, For that one special kiss Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me Some people wait a lifetime, For a moment like this
OHHHH, LIKE THIS
OHHHH, YEAH, 'cuz people search for every moment yeah.
Some people wait a lifetime, For a moment like this.
Ohhhhh, like this. ========================================== this is a great song.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... i'm falling in love with her ... and the runner up.. what's his name again? Justin Guarini..... woahz.....
I have just read an unbelivable journal.. imagine, one whole journal dedicated to remembering sex.. practically her whole journal is about her sexual encounters with different ppl.. Argh... that's disgusting.. and just imagine this... from jan - may , she has laid with 30 ++ men.. and she is only 24, coming to 25.. what is the problem of the ppl nowadyas... why can they just have sex for the pleasure? why can they just have sex with anyone?? argh... spent the whole afternoon reading it... though i am disgusted by her advances & lifestyle, but i kept on reading because i want to know more about the mindset of ppl like this.... i found it while i was just browing roxyreg's journal den link here link there... there i was... argh... The reason this lady gives for her lifestyle is because she was hurt by her 2nd bf... she wanted to make sure she is still attractive.. and later she got hooked onto it... hooked onto this lifestyle.. had it going with ppl of all ages.. from 20 - 30++ 40... tell me what's wrong with ppl nowadays.. why degrade yourself because of a guy?? argh.. and her first time was given to some guy who wasn't her bf or anything like that.. just happened as she describe it.. i don't know what to say... if i call her a slut or bitch, it is unfair to her because maybe she likes this lifestyle and anyway, since guys can get it going why not gals as well? should they be deprived of pleasure that guys loved? Maybe some gals just feel that true love is a dream.. but i just think that sex is a thing to be shared with someone u love and not just with anyone... but who am i to judge? ppl have their own preferences.. i am judging them from my point of views only....
the difference between Joy & sorrow is : joy is just like a dream... it will be there for a short while but disappears very quickly... and so, you feel like you are in a dream when this feeling comes & goes so easily.. but sorrow is a feeling that resembles reality.. hard & cruel.. so it lasts longer than joy... it is there to stay because we are so used in dealing with reality but not dreams.. to us, if a feeling resembles a dream, it is not there to stay.. it is only something we fantasize or somehting short term... so, humans tend to recognise sorrow rather than joy.
Every tomorrow must be different from today.. we can't bring sorrow to tomorrow, but only joy. Because of this, we would be able to start everything afresh each day.. and only then, there is hope in life.. tomorrow is another day, a new day... so by bringing joy into a new day, we are moving on to a better tomorrow.... Life has to go on regardless of happiness or sadness.. So why not try to make ourselves happier rather than sadder?
when tomorrow becomes today and becomes yesterday and later it becomes a day that is unimportant in our memories we will suddenly discover that we have followed time unknowingly this is not when we exchange hurtful glances in a train with your neighbour but the feeling is like we are pushing ourselves onto the wrong path And the real us has slowly disappear in our course of growing up...
tomorrow is another day every tomorrow must be different from today
========================================== Adapted from the lyrics page of "Ai Qing Bai Bi Shu" OST
My mother just bombarded me again. Yahz.. do you know the OBS activity? The camp that most secondary sch students have to go? yahz.. my bro handed in his form late, and my mum started nagging at him.. yesterday, she even went to email his teacher to ask her to let him go.. You know what? I just feel sad you know.. When i was in sec sch, she didn't even bother abt me.. If i tell her i am not going, she wuld just shrugged and say some sacrastic remarks.. i feel so unimpt.. Yahz.. and things that she dunno how to do, she always ask me.. cause she knows that my bro will not help her... i feel so sad that she nv express more concern to me.. even till now.. sometimes when i see the things she do for my bro, i would wonder why she hadn't even shown half this concern to me when i was my bro's age.. she only knows how to pile up problems on me.. what am i? A person to help her to share burden and full stop? And she still have the cheek to ask me why i didn't go OBS when i was 15. I told her frankly. 'Cause no one bothered abt me. So i didn't go. True mahz. I bet she didn't even know that i had this OBS thingy. I was chosen to go, but i didn't want to go. And she didn't even ask anything. Not to mention email my teacher to allow me to go.. Why?? Why after 19 years everything is still like this? Why can't she just stop being so damn bias? why lor?? And the other dya, when my dad took out his collection of coins (singapore mint collection), she say what in the future all these will be given to my bro. She never mention me you know. And she has the cheek to come and tell me that my dad was so protective of me and rebut her saying ,"what give weikhang only. wenyi also." why?? why must she always do things that hurt me so much?? Am i so detestable? I am just not smart enough that's all. I just dun get the grades my bro get. Does that penalise me? And she only care abt the development of my bro. Say wat this course is good for leadership skills & wat self-confidence & wat teamwork. But i was an introvert when i was young. I bet she doesn't even know it. She does not know i dun have half the self-confidence i seem to potray even till now. I am just pretending.. but she does not know.. and she will never know.. because she nv bothered to even want to know... Yahz.. the only thing she knows is to grumble to me abt my dad not working. But what's her problem since my dad is paying for the household expenses? And grumble to me her boss this boss that.. tell me she has no money to pay for my dental fees and ask me to go n get from my dad and so on.. i was pissed lor.. if it was my bro in my situation, she would definitely have the money to do so... nm, i pay it myself. I hate the way things turn out. I hate the way life is unfair. I just dunno how to go on anymore... my a levels she din care.. even after i disappear she also dun really bother... only my dad was so worried abt me.. care for me... and bothered to comfort me... why? why must she treat me like this??
oh yeah.. just got my first comic book - Hana Yori Dango.. Chinese version.. i can't understand japanese yet.. hehe.. I wanna read it now but it;s office hours.. so i have to wait till the end of the day before i start on it again.. yahz.. i really admire my cousin & my brother.. they read comic books at super fast speed.. after 10 odd minutes i only finished 10 odd pages!! How SLOWWWW they can finish one bk in half an hour or less.. Sugoi!!!!!!
Haven't blogged for about 5 days.. I'm really exhausted & pissed with my big f-up boss... He throws 600 ++ names for me to contact within a month.. last time round.. when he gave me at 260, i took nearly a month to complete.. ppl just dun sit down at their desks and wait for our calls u know... This time round i'm screwed.. and i really wanna leave this company.. ARGH!!!!! Yahz lor.. Hmm.. Went to do my root-canel treatment on fri.. When i told my boss i needed to take half-day off, he gave me tat kind of expression like i shouldn't have even bring up this subject.. But the pain was so intense that i couldn't take anymore.. i can't even sleep on thurs night until i took a panadol.. Yahz.. actually it is not as scary as i thought... but i regret because i nv get to see my nerve! ARgh! I wanna see it!! Yahz.. the first injection was painful.. cause he didn't just poke it thru into my gum.. but he had to twist & turn to inject the stuff in... Yahz.. the first 2 injections were quite painful.... after which everything is fine.. But i think the doc got a scare out of his life because i suddenly jerk when he tried to inject from another angle.. he just sort of scared me... but he's quite nice.. fat fat one...:P yah.. maybe i wun be working anymore soon.. i just feel so tired & disgusted with this company.. aRGH!! SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, today is wednesday.. which means weekend seems much closer to me now... Yippie!!! Yahz.. i had some weird dreams last night.. something to do with car crash & someone forcing me to eat things that i don't want to.. and strangely, i woke up one hour after i slept in start.. Maybe i was worrying or thinking about some things.. i don't know either.. Yahz.. lately we have been quarrelling.. sunday once, yesterday another.. well, i do think that sometimes i am just being plain idiotic.. Since i know that he's like this, why can't i just let it be? Why do i have to try to make things so uncomfortable? I don't know either.. maybe now, i feel like my expectations of a partner has changed.. I need someone who is more mature than i am, who knows what he is doing, and who has self-discipline & self-control.. i can't and won't marry someone who has no self-discipline.. imagine my husband spending all his money on his desires and left none for the kids & family.. If not for me, i have to spare a thought for my future kids... I know it sounds weird to start thinking all these right now.. but somehow, i just feel that my bf must be someone i can rely on and not the other way round.. it gets very tiring after some time... Yahz.. And he was sweet abt it.. at least he didn't scream at me when i told him all these.. though he did tell me that i have rather high and strict expectations of myself and it would be quite difficult to exceed it.. I don't know.. I just feel like i don't wish to just get involved in a relationship that has no outcome ... it will waste our time.. both of us... Yahz.. i've finished watching friends 8th season.. how i wish they would telecast an episode everyday.. it is so addictive.. yahz.. we were watching it on monday.. my dad actually wanted to watch soccer, but i was watching friends.. so in the end he sat down and watched with us.. So we ( my bro, my dad & i) ended up watching and laughing helplessly at ross & joey... You know, Ross is really childish & dumb.. I can't imagine it! When Rachel ask him to introduce a paedetrician for emma (their baby), he said the doctor was dead.. And when Rachel verify with Monica, she found out that it is not true.. and When Rachel went to that clinic, she saw ross coming out of the doctor's office, acting like a kiddo and he even asked for lollipop... Ah!! you should have seen that if u haven't.. boy it was funny.. Yahz, and Joey was funny too... He was supposed to double date with Phoebe..and introduce a guy to Phoebe.. And then he forgotton all about it.. Then he went ot the cafe and called out the name 'Mike' and someone responded.. so they went for the date.. and when phoebe asked that guy how many sisters does Joey has, joey showed 6 fingers... but actually he meant to show 7.. And so, this whole scam was uncovered.. the funny part was when he showed that guy those fingers... So funny.... I just hope that they can continue shooting more episodes.. it's really funny.. Wah.. i had crapped for so long.. shall get back to work now.. *smile* ********************************************************************************** There's no such thing as an unchanging love And besides, uncertainty only makes you stronger I won't tell anyone about the two of us 'cuz I'm not a child
This road doesn't go on forever If it did, I'd rather choose another
Haiz... it's only 1038 am now.. i still have another 7 more hours to go.. well, it's so boring!!!! Well, my mum just told me something that made me realised that my dad does care for me alot though he doesn't talk to me much. I want to talk to him, but we don't have any common topic except for school stuff. I just dunno how to approach him.. argh!! well, i dunno.. i was thinking if i dun start doing it now, who knows what might happen tomorrow? by then i might have carried on my regret for the rest of my life. I don't want that.. haiz My left eye has been twitching for 2 days.. dunno what's going to happen.. i shouldn't believe in all these because these are just supertitious beliefs.. So i kept telling myself that even if it meant a good omen, Lord can turn it into a bad one and vice versa.. so i don't wish to think too much into it... Haiz.. i feel like i don't understand myself more and more these days.. what's wrong with me? I just don't know... I am so screwed you know.. with everything especially me.. What's on earth is my mind thinking? I am really stupid now.. work until a little goondu liaoz... Well, i shall know if my student wants me to take over that subject 'maths' by this wednesday.. If yes, i think i will stop working by the mid-May.. i am really going nuts with this man.. :P I'm really full now, and sleepy.. can't think of anything... *cheers*
All alone in this lonely night With just an unfufilled promise beside me I yearn to run away from everything now
While protesting that i do not need anyone now I hope to fall back on someone I may seem strong on the outside But that's just a cover for my weakness
Tell me how should i move on Just me alone facing all the realities Tell me what should i do now It's not easy to maintain the smile on my face But i know if you are here now Everything will simpler now And there will be a reason for my struggle now
When the answers i have tried to find changed And when the things i believed in all changed I need you more than ever to support me
Walking through the crowd I tried to find back my own identity not only do i hope to be protected But i also hoped to protect someone else
Tell me how should i move on I'm just walking in circles looking for that answer Tell me what should i do now I know that this is just a transition period But if i know you are here now I won't feel lonely at all And i would have the strength to go on
Tell me how i should move on When everything seems so bleak right now Tell me what i should do now I don't want to stop at this point right now If i could just fly above the clouds I won't experience anymore rainy days Holding that in my dreams I run towards it
Yahz.. new song for me.. i just thought of writing it.. remember the song "Give me a reason?" i have always hoped to write something similar but didn't have the inspiration.. yahz.. with all the things happening lately, i just thought this is a perfect time to pen it down... yahz.. not all that great, but i guess it just expresses what i feel.... haven wrote a song in months... my bf just suggested to me.. he told me since i like music so much, actually i should go and study music.. but how can i do so? I will freak my parents out... but anyway, i just continue to do what i really like.. i'm going to try to get the music up asap... hopefully it is going to sound good... bless me!
Only Sixteen Tonight In the freedom that is filled with contridiction I'm being chased and escaping at the same time
While shouting that i don't need any restrictions But I do hope to be tied down Not only do i hope to be protected But i also want to protect someone else
Give me a reason to show you For every unintentional smile (won't you) Tell me why i should try to Don't try to search for tomorrow Give me a reason to love you Betraying all the rule Even if that is fated
With only one's vow Mumbling softly into sleep It would be good even if i'm a little more straightforward
The answer that i have tried so hard to find has changed already This left me in doubt hey Seems like there is someone taunting at me which annoys me
Give me a reason to show you Unknowingly i want to chase after you (won't you) tell me why i should try to It seems so near yet so far Give me a reason to love you I shouldn't be alone right now If i had you I won't feel afraid tonight
Give me a reason to show you Walking to and fro on the same road (won't you) Tell me why i should try to I can't stop my footsteps anymore Give me a reason to love you I really don't need any reason Giving out the pure innocent sounds of a child Just run now!
Life is always full of problems.. Are they just here lately or has been there for so long but yet i have never noticed it? Yahz.. My dad has not been working since i was 16 (nov) till now.. my mum has always felt insecure about this.. Well, who can blame her for that? I heard that she is desperately trying to save up so that in case of any emergencies, we will have money to tide us over... Haiz.. and the stupid SARS thing affected us so strongly cause my mum is in the tourism industry.. and now they are cutting her pay and ask her to go on long leave.... Haiz... Well, i just get on with it.. now that i am working, at least she doesn't have to worry about me.. yahz... and even so, i am just so sianz.. everything seems to come down on me so fast, so quick.. i really feel like i am suffocating... Financial problems, family problems, my own problems.. haiz.. now i even have to take care of my bro.. sometimes i try to be nice to him and buy him a few comics for a treat because i know that he is saving up for PS2 & he needs all the money he can get.. and my dad isn't working now.. so my brother is quite cautious about spending money.. yahz.. and me? I dun really spend it unnecessary.. i just buy those things i need and pay for my daily expenses.... yahz..try to save as much as possible... :( I am so sick of all these... yahz.. the problem is, what if i dun go uni? den how? I don't wish to think this and i kept trying to delude myself that everything is going ot be all right.. but is it really going to be all right? Haiz... and my bf side... he is also giving me problems... or has been giving me problems for years now... haiz... I AM SO SCREWED! But i just take it as a test from Lord and continue everyday... each time i think back the time when i wan to commit suicide, i feel so blessed that i didn't.. because there are so much more beautiful things in this world.. and i do believe, i can get thru with all these... Life just goes on..
When you walk away You don't hear me say, please, Oh baby, Don't go Simple and Clean is the way you're making me feel tonight It's hard to let it go......
The daily things (like this and that and what) that keeps us all busy Are confusing me That's when you came to me and said
Wished i could prove i love you but does that mean i have to walk on water When we are older you'll understand It's enough when i say so And maybe some things are that simple
********************************************************************************** This is so sweet..... Maybe one day i will feel the essence of this song in me.. maybe by then, i would be able to unravel all the confused feelings within me...
AH.. finally i bought UH Live Streaming - UH 20 dai wa ikeike.. She was awesome in that show.. oh my.. she is so cute.. hmm.. this is so cool.. i'm in love with Utada Hikaru again.. hahaha.. :P wah.. after experimenting with several programs, i finally recorded the performance into mp3 songs... so happy.... brilliant... Her performance was brilliant... that's the only word to describe it.. even much better than th MTV Unplugged.. yahz... hmm.. lately i have been thinking alot... about life, about love, about future... Came to a few conclusions.. i don't know if i have the strength & courage to go thru it.... But i shall try hard to go thru with it.. and i shall try hard to strive out my own life.. instead of just following others.. i will continue to be devoted to my music... i will continue to believe what i believe in.. i will continue do what i feel is right.. even if it is wrong, let me find it out myself......
Everytime when i try to walk out of my world I feel a little scared There are too many unknowns out there And there are too many hypocrites around
Everytime when i put on any make up I feel a little stronger Covering up my weak spots and vulnerability But I'm just another pretender
Masquerades and parties Just another form of escaping from reality When the night turns silent again The fear of loneliness will return into our hearts
Somewhere out there I will find the strength to move on without you Even if it meant pain and loneliness I would still go on searching for the one I will find my happiness one day
SOmewhere out there I will find someone who belongs to me only Stepping on the soft warm sand in the evening Holding hands and smiling I have found my happiness
Everytime when i try to build up the wall to protect myself Someone is bound to intervene and stop me If trends and fashion can help to diguise me Then everyone on the street is just another pretender
With the huge crowds surrounding me i felt as if i couldn't breathe anymore Do not tell me that life would be better after this For no one would know what is going to happen tomorrow
Somewhere out there I should be able to tear off those painful memories Though it will take some time to do so But i believe i would become stronger after that I will be happy from then on
Somewhere out there Someone will be able to understand me completely Even without my prompts and words He will be able to see my desires I will be happy from then on ***************************************************************************************** Just found this while reading my blog.. this was written for my friend.. but somehow, it just meant something to me too... i just read one particular entry in my blog.. and i started crying after reading that... I dunno why.. but it is just like reliving that moment and it's just too scary... -_- Another song which touched me.... i like this one... :P ******************************************************************************************* My pillow was wet when i woke up As if it is telling me that i've been crying in my dreams Maybe it's because you were in my dreams last night
I saw you holding out your hand to me Leading me to a world of adventure and surprises But why does it only happen in my dreams???
Chorus: I don't want to wake up Because it hurts too much to face reality I walked around the empty house Not knowing what to do I was surrounded by memories And they caused so much heartache to me That i started to sit by a corner alone My tears just flow down Even though i didn't want them to I don't want to let you leave Baby I don't want to wake up from this dream
You are always so gentle and caring Wrapping your arms around me when I'm cold But your warmth does not belongs to me anymore
You were just in front of me And i ran towards to you with all my might Why did you disappear just then when i was about to reach you?
Chorus I still can remember The day when you told me "let's part." You hung your head to avoid my eyes But i still can see the guilt in your eyes I tried to stop everything from happening But i couldn't even control my tears In my dreams you were still so real "please forget me" you said quietly I tried but i still see you in my dreams And i always wake up in tears Baby I don't want to let you go
I wanted to look for you and say "Please don't leave me alone" i know that you will never come back to me But i want to thank you For giving me the best memories i could ever have in my life *******************************************************************************************
When I'm facing challenges alone Nobody told me what to do Several times when i'm almost broke down I was saved by your voice
Nobody said life would be easy For anyone to go through What you need is a little faith and trust And you'll be able to find the strength to go on
There is a long road in front of me No promise that it won't be tough Just believe in yourself and hold on
Hold on Do not let it go You are wonderful in your own way Sometimes you just need a little faith And you know you can go a long way
TRust Me let me lead you GIve me your hand and I will hold it tight I will never let you fall down Together we can reach our destination
When everything is going wrong I turn to you for warmth Everytime when i'm hurt again I know i'll be stronger after that
There is a long road in front of me No promise that it won't be tough Just believe in yourself and hold on
Walk on you'll see what i mean When you're helpless and lonely Do not fear for I'm always with you Walk on steadily with the strength in you
Look far there is a heaven Don't stop just run towards it Breathe in the freedom in the air There is a miracle in each and everyone of us **********************************************************************************************
I didn't know that i can write songs liek this.. i feel so touched after reading these songs... *red-faced*.. nahz.. not trying to say how good i am.. but i really amazed by all these... :P
So tired.. I'm so tired... haiz.. i was wondering what it would have been like if i just had a routine lifestyle doing practically nothing? Most probably i would go mad?? yahz i think so... I am so happy today.. NO TUTION!!! Ah.. i can't believe it!! I'm going to have a night off...yeah!! Hehe.. can practise my piano liaoz.... *Woah* I'm so happy.. yeah yeah Yahz.. yesterday was a good day... i did quite some work.. and later, two of friends tried contacting me.. so nice.. i haven't been in contact with one of them for almost a year.... yahz.. quite surprised about it.. but then, we didn't talk much because by the time i reached home, i am exhausted. So i just bathe & chat with my bf for a while.. then i am so tired.. i just msg my friend to inform her that i am going to bed... lalala... yahz.. but alot of memories flow through my mind after i received her call.. there are so many memories between us.. even now, sometimes i wonder why certain things happen but well, it's all over... :P Ah... why do we have so many memories as we grow up? sometimes simple life may be just nice for all of us... *dreamy look*
AH.....minna genki desu ka?? Haiz...So sianz today.. yeah... the war is about to end now.. but then again, it's difficult to say because the republician guards might just reorganize themselves and spring surprise attacks on the coalition forces.. i hope that these people just give it up.. I'm so BORED... Haiz... Yesterday i watched the bachelor.. wah.. the guy is pretty handsome.. but the point is that i feel that he is a little too flirty.. and those women.. they seem like they like his looks & $ more than his character or what.. anyway, i think i like friends better.. it is funny and not so pretentious... lalalalala Yeah.. i just customized my comments page.. if you want to have a look, click on ++ 0 Msgs Noted ++.. yeah... i am going nutty you know... everyday is just so boring.. but yesterday i got some Japanese snacks from my cousin! Some of her collegues from Japan came and brought along snacks.. She gave me some of it... wah.. it is NICE!!!! And i got to eat chocolates from Belgium.. wah.. it is even better than GODIVA.. really... my cousin asked her collegue to buy it when he went to belgium.. the chocolates are so creamy.. not too sweet nor bitter.. with a little crushed nuts inside as part of the filling .. oh my.. it is heavenly.. and i haven tried the WHITE Chocolates YET!!! Oh.. i must go down again to regain this type of feeling again.. too bad i was thinking about my teeth & health... or i would have eaten alot more... hehe *bleahz* yahz... I really do like my new journal.. hehe... it is so nice... :P i always wanted to do some blog website... it was not until i found all the things i need to get it going... yeah.. i have a journal site.. hehehe *Smile* yahz.. lately i have been thinking.. about myself.. about friendship.. about life.. about my goals... Everything doesn't seem to fall in place and somehow, i just feel like everything is not happening the way it should.. I just feel so lost at times... argh.. but luckily, i am so busy that i get home feeling so tired that i can't think anymore... I am just too exhausted... And I just hope that i can figure out the dozen questions in my mind... so that i can stop questioning myself over & over again about everything... hehe I shall not whine & crap anymore... Ja ne....
Hmm.... I'm dead tired today.... My eyes can hardly open... argh... received a mail from one of long time friends...it is really nice to know that ppl still care.. Because after so much has happened, this becomes more and more important to me.. Ah, US has captured Baghdad, though not totally.. but i think the war will be ending soon.. cheers for the iraqi ppl as well as the coalition troops.... we can have peace once again.. No matter what intention did Bush have when he engaged in this war, i just hope for a better future for the iraqi ppl... May this be their last war... :P I can't think straight now.. shall not continue my crapping.. maybe later then
I'm broke. Yesterday my brother and I went to parkway parade to buy dvd player.. oh my, i became the major contributor. My brother can't contribute much because he is not working, and my mum REFUSED to contribute beyong 100 bucks.. so in the end, i ended up playing the balance. But luckily, i have counted. I will have enough money to cover this additional expenses. Ah.. my mother's office cut her pay by almost $1000 ++ because the travel industry is badly affected by the SARS thing. No one wants to go out of the country and vice versa. So in conclusion, they had to cut pay and force their employees to take leave so that they will not have to retrench any people. Argh... the economy is really doing bad. So i have to work till the end of May because by working, at least i can support myself and my parents don't have to worry about me. :P This is what we call, GROWING UP. I bought my headphone, exactly the same as my brother's. The sound is pretty clear and good, probably because it is new. I have spent so much this week, i shall refrain from buying anymore stuff the coming month. That stupid dvd costs so much.. argh... And the thing is, we got scolded when we got back because my father said if we buy this, then where to place it? And he also said, why not we just fix the old one. The truth is, the old one is beyond repair and we wanted a multi-code dvd player... But i think he is rahter pleased with it because we put the old one in his room. And now, he can watch his dvd "band of brothers". My brother was so happy about it because he has been rattling on and on about that stupid old dvd... But then again, all problems solved. I watched friends yesterday. I think it is the nineth season. Pretty funny... I laughed and laughed till my stomach ache... My brother was laughing too... it is really funny you know... Rachel just gave birth to a baby (ross's baby) .. then joey found ross's ring for rachel on the floor and the funny thing is, he was down on one knee in front of rachel. And Rachel thought he was going to propose to her .. the whole mix up is really funny and horny... lalala.... :P
Well, i got myself a new wallet yesterday. hehe... And the best thing is, my cousins paid for it. Well you see, it was my birthday last month and they owed me a birthday present. So yesterday, we (2 cousins, me & mum) went to duty free shop to buy some things. They bought lots of cosmetics, but i have no interest in them except to study the contents of these cosmetics. And i discovered something!!!!! One of the contents in the lipstick is wax. YuckS!!!! Anyway, you know, i don't like to put on make up. It is a real chore, especially when you have to spend more than thirty minutes colouring your face, and another thirty minutes to take it off when you get home. Maybe i'm just too lazy. I don't want to do this... haha... :P But then again, i will need to do so once i get a real job... can't dress too shabbily or i will give wrong impression. *bleahz* Well, today i'm going to get a new headphone. The one i have is spoilt already! ARGH! The life span is so short. Only about half a year. But never mind, i have always wanted to buy a headphone. So this is the chance to buy it without feeling too guilty that i have been spending too much $$$.... Ah... I'm so sick of this growing up thing.. and now i really want to get to university so that i can stay in hostel or rent a house with my friend.... My mother started bombarding me yesterday again... Perhaps i have always felt that she is unfair or rather biased, so i always make my views so clear to her.. i don't know what's gotton into me, but after i got into jc, i really say it out aloud to her... i used to keep it quiet, but now, it's no more like yesterday. But anyway, the whole thing started suddenly.. And i was too lazy to quarrel with her.. so i decided to shut up... but i was really irritated with it man...... So i think my face showed it.. my cousins saw it.... Haiz.. i don't really bother now.. i know that no matter how hard i try to please her, i will still be standing at the same position... i never moved from that position before, though i once thought i had moved forward... argh.. don't really want to think or bother about it.. just let everything be
My first Indian Meal!!! haha.. never thought it could ever happen to me.. i used to laugh at my cousin because her indian boss always force her to go for lunch with him in an indian restaurant... but i wouldn't say i was forced, but rather, i had to go. Hmm.. went for lunch with 4 indians to an indian restaurant in Far East Plaza... i just can't get used to the taste of the INdian food... it just take weird to me.. and i still have the weird taste in my mouth.. my brother would laugh his head off once he hears this man.... he is rather racist... lalala....... I still prefer chinese food to indian food... it suits me better ( of course.. i'm a CHINESE!!! for goodness sake!) Anyway, i think it was an eye-opener for me.. to visit indian restaurants with indians.. i dun think i would have a second chance... because i wouldn't do that on my own... and moreover, i don't have any indian friends.. so there.. it is really bad to be in a chinese school for too long... i have been studying in chinese schools since primary school all the way till junior college... yahz.. i don't have access to other races like malays & indians... argh.. i think it is good that i'm in this company.. multi-racial... so that i can learn more things .... yeah yeah I'm dead tired now... really exhausted... somehow i dunno what i should write anymore.. probably no posts for next 2 days.. but i do like this so much.. :P
I really getting pissed with my boss.. Why doesn't he just tell me clearly what he wants instead of asking me to redoing all of the work?? argh.. but then again, what can i say? even if i'm pissed i also have to redo... bleahz yesh.. i think i might have watched a little too much news about the bombing in iraq... argh.. yesterday night was raining heavily.. and suddenly, i heard the thunder... i woke up in start, thinking that there are bombs dropping down in Singapore... and it was really funny you know.. i was half asleep and sub-consiciously i was saying "no war, no bombs" .. weird isn't it? but then again, i think i might have think too much.. hehe.. imagine i mistook thunder for bombs... stupid me... yahz.... i still feel alittle bad abt the whole incident... yahz... at least i manage to see it from a neutral point of view... so compared to that person, at least i can proudly hold my head high.... :P yeah.. for the first time, i watched the american idol last night... woah.. it is a good show... and those contestants are awesome.. i like ruben, carmen and clay... carmen is really pretty, especially when you look into her eyes... ah..... luckily she didn't get kicked out yesterday... i'm so glad.. but the show runs only on thurs.. and i have tution on thurs!!! ARGH... which means next week i can't watch it anymore... i want to watch it!!!!!! *sob* *sob*.. honestly, i have a good mind to change my tution day to friday just to catch tat show... hahaha.. i'm mAD!!!
I do feel very upset right now. Argh.. what's wrong with me these days? Why do i keep on offending ppl? I don't know what's wrong with me... ARGH.... You know my journal are just my stupid crapping... sometimes i think when i want to write something, but most of the time i just rattle on and on with some rubbish in my head. I'm so tactless with words that i just didn't think that my words were offending... okayz.. now i know.. so i shall try to be more discrete about things i say.. actually i was feeling pretty happy today... that matter is settled.. whether who is in the right or wrong doesn't matter anymore... got my testimonial from Zhizhen... Mr Bala gave me a pretty nice review... some of the things he says are so nice that i burst out laughing... but anyway, it is nice to hear such things though it may be false... argh.. i'm so upset now...honestly i dunno what's wrong with me these days?? I just shoot my stupid mouth off and get myself into unnecessary trouble.. please tie my tongue now before i get into more trouble.... maybe i'm detach from school life for too long.. now i can't express myself clearly.... *Bang my head into the wall*
ah.. beautiful morning.. got stuck outside the office for nearly half an hour.. anyway it's okay.. i'm used to it .... so who careS?!?! Anyway, i'm stuck with this boring job... my supervisor just asked me how i feel about this job... so i just say it's okay... hehe .. Can't be too frank or i'll offend ppl.. yahz.. i feel good today. yah..... i still think that i'm not in the wrong, though for a brief moment i wonder if i had did the wrong thing... but it's good that this friendship is over.. not my worth.. someone who seek support from younger friends are not worth my while... if you ask the opinion of someone younger, of course they would support him or something like this.... that's why whenever i have doubts, i'll ask the opinons of ppl who are older and more mature than me.. they have the experience and they would be able to tell me whetehr i am right or wrong from their mature perspective point of view. It was really upsetting to know that your friend (once) circulated your mail to others for them to read and judge... how wonderful... I'm truly impressed by tat person's lack of consideration and that person's desperation to seek support regarding this issue.. i will not yield.... i'm unlike him.. even if the whole world thinks that i'm wrong and i'm left alone facing the whole situation, i will continue to press on.. i WILL NOT resort to such desperado actions to gain massive support in order to make myself feel better...... After all, if that person really published my mail on his journal, all i can say is "you are pathetic." I won't look back now, i will move on. It's my life, my world.
Continuing from yesterday, i do think i am too nosy. Why should i bother about all these and get myself upset? Anyway, it will not matter anymore because everything has ended. The friendship has ended. Why am i disappointed? Because that person allowed other ppl to read that email i wrote. True, it was nasty. But i thought this whole affair was between us, and why allow other ppl to judge? I don't know. But i wouldn't have done so. My friend says that i feel cheated and maybe i do. I just didn't expect this but it's all over. My bf was right. Lord was right. I shall not feel sad nor dwell on it anymore because it is not my worth. Perhaps it's me who have changed, and thus, i see things differently. Maybe because of some things i go thru, i learn what is responsibility and what to say and not to say. Because sometimes being frank is good, but to be so frank that cause insult to the other party is really bad. And since that person doesn't feel sad, i won't too. I don't feel i'm wrong, but maybe i'm too kay poh. Talk about free society, this is it? But never mind, things will no longer be what it used to be. Now i know what is worth to cherish, what is not. Some things is best to let it go. Anyway, i should have let it go long time ago. Thank you Lord for making me see this. Thank you.
I just read a very upsetting piece of journal.. by someone whom i tot was my friend... but anyway, it doesn't matter. I have replied with an equally frank mail, practically scolding that person all the way but anyway, i believe that the friends i have now are those who can understand my situation, think for me and NOT, grumble when i do not reply their sms. Tell me, how do i email/sms you back when i was devastated about my results? Even now, i will still feel like crying whenever i think about it. I'm still healing from it, so tell me what should i do? Cry and send you an email telling you how bad i feel? Or smile and tell you happily that i got such stupid results that even i can't face myself? And all you know how to do is to accuse me of dictating your thoughts and telling you what to do. Hey this is a free society. Since you can speak your mind about the poly petition thing, why can't i? So what if you got into JC? Is that really that great? To be frank with myself, once i got swell-headed when i was in jc, but i am knocked back to reality now. Come on lor, why can't the poly students petition against the SARS? They are of the same age as JC students so why can't they ask for it? And to criticise poly student's command of english language is rude. Most of them are there because they can't handle the challenges the GP pose to them. And not all of them have a bad command of english language. Some are really good, even better than the JC students. And your jc always mark up the GP for english language. THERE IS DEFINITELY NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF. If you can, get an A and i'll shut my mouth. If you get B3 and above, then i'll just keep quiet. TJ taught me many things. And one of the things i learnt there is that there are ppl who are really good in english, but yet so humble about it. Last prelims, my classmate got 45/50 for his composition and yet he didn't go about telling ppl that, or try to say how good he is. So who are you to judge their language? Unless you are really that good, or else just SHUT UP.
My friend just shared her opinions on the Iraq war the other day. I can't blame her for her views, but nonetheless i do not agree totally with her. We all have different views regarding the war but then, can anyone say for definite that US is totally wrong? I don't think there is a definite right or wrong. War is wrong, because it hurt ppl and bring sufferings to those who are involved in it. But then again, both sides are fighting for one course. Can we then, say that their course are not worth fighting for? They are risking their lives to fight for their beliefs, and it would be too selfish to condemn them for their beliefs & ideas. I do hope that the battle for baghad will be a short and victorious campaign. Since it has begun, we know that it's almost impossible for them to stop fighting right now. But the most important thing now is to help those innocent civillians who had to suffer under saddam hussein, and now, to suffer under the US- Led Liberation war. Yahz, the pictures of the war are used by the medias of two sides as propaganda to win the sympathy as well as the recognition of the world. Ah.. watching the bombing scenes makes me feel so sad for the civilians there. And watching the terrorism acts of saddam hussein ppl makes me feel sorry for the coalition troops. This war is getting barbaric, and we don't even knwo if it is really worth it or not. Anyway, life just goes on as usual for me. Some things we just have to take it as we grow up. Some things we have to learn to cope with it because it will hurt ppl. Life is just full of mysteries. The only way to get past it is to have faith.. have faith in Lord, have faith in yourself
