++ mArCh ++
CRAPPY
Date : 28.03.03 9:39 am
Mood : CRAPPY
***********************************************************************************************
AH!!! I'm getting bloated!!!!! I don't
know why. Perhaps it is because i haven't been exercising for months. I MUST
START IT RIGHT NOWW!!!!! Oops! a little too over excited isn't so? hehehe. I
guess so. Well, the topic these days have been on SARS. Severe Acute Respiratory
Syndrome. Is that right? I guess so. You know what? The strange thing is that i
didn't thought much of it until the death of the first person. BEfore that i was
so pre-occupied with the Iraq war that i neglected all other news. It came to me
as a surprise when schools have ot be closed to allay the fears of parents. Woah!!!
Super cool!!! I never thought i would get to see schools closed because of a
epidemic outbreak of flu virus!!!!!! I wished i am there now. I would have a
nice time at home, waking up in the morning and catching up with my work. Oh my,
why hasn't it gotton here earlier? Oops. THat's not nice of me. Anyway, my
brother was cursing the government for closing the schools. He said they would
have to work extra hard when school reopen, and the june hols will be shorten.
Well, though i like the idea of closing schools, but then, i wouldn't want to
sacrifice my school hols. It's the only thing i looked forward when i was a jc
student. Now i sound so old. ARGH!!!!! AM I GETTING OLD? oh my...
OKay, i know i must have sounded mad to ppl who are reading this. Well, ujournal
was down for days. When i could access my site again, i found out that all my
entries have DISAPPEARED.. Oops.. but luckily it's back here again.
Yahz, i'm going for tution tonight. I seemed to be working 10 odd hours a day,
but i'm getting used to it. Why do i have to push myself to work so harD?
BECAUSE I WANT TO SAVE MONEY TO GO TO JAPAN!! MY mother already made it very
clear that she would NOT pay for my overseas trips from now on (those which i
wan to go on my own). Anyway, going to japan is pretty expensive. i calculated.
The air ticket will cost around $800. Then transport & accomodation would
probably cost around $1000. So i must save at least $5000.ARGH!!! Anyway, i
decided to learn japanese for a year so that i can go there and navigate that
area by myself. the last time when i was there, we toured the city areas. This
time round i'm going to tour the northern part of japan. Must rope in my cousin
to go with me .. hehe
Yeah yeah... Yahz, lately i'm pretty obsessed with asking ppl what they think
about me. Hmm... because one of my friends gave me quite an unique feedback, i
thought i might ask others so that i won't lose myself as i grow up. So you guys
out there, just leave me a msg. EVEN IF U R NOT AN UJOURNAL USER, you can leave
me a msg k? i know there are ppl who read my journal and then, left without
leaving a note behind!!!!! Don't be shy. you know who i am talking about.
Date : 25.03.03 9:24 am
Mood : Angry
***********************************************************************************************
Hai.. early in the morning quarrel with my mum.. i really dun understand why must she always make it so difficult for me to communicate with her.. sometimes i dunno if it's that i dun like her or what... she makes me confuse.... anyway, what happen was this.. she was asking me to go and pay for my uni thingy... i say still got a few days, dun worry.. den she started saying i always do things last min.. she also what... whenver she doesn't want to come home for dinner, she does not call early to tell my dad.. just let my dad cook all those food and then, later around 8 ++ den say dun wan to come back for dinner... isn't that last min too??? And then, she started quoting about the music registration thing.. the deadline of my registration of music exams was supposed to be 7/3. And my teacher only gave me one week before. i completely forgot about it because i was nervous about the whole a levels.. and later, only after sat (8/3) did i realise that i haven pay for it. In the end, my dad has to pay double. Okayz, it's my fault. But i really din mean it. And my mum dug out this and started saying in a very sacrastic way. And i blew up! i told her why always push this kind of responsibility fully to me. My brother leh? He never take exams meh? And she kept quiet about it. Sometimes i wonder what kind of mother she is. ALl my values and thinking was never influenced by her a little. And yet she wants to take charge of my life. Don't be naive. THroughout my growing up process she has never been part of it. When i was young, she left me at my aunt's place for 5 years. Even then, she was always on the move, traveling frequently and i hardly get to see her. She only stopped after my brother was born. And it was until then when she took me and my brother home to stay. She spent so much time with my brother but hardly any for me. And throughout my teenage life, she wasn't there to guide me. I have a mother who does so little for me, but does so much for my brother. And since she doesn't think very much of me, fine, i shall stop trying to be a fool to please her. I am so bloody disappointed. After so much years, it is sitll the same. Our relationship never did improve at all.
Date : 21.03.03 11:50 am
Mood : Sad
***********************************************************************************************
Maybe i should not let my personal opinion get involved in this critical analysis of the war and it's agendas.. but i guess my emotions got better of me.. it is horrible to even think about how ppl will suffer in this war.. all the families of the casulties, innocent civilians as well as the troops.. just imagine, your husband, brother, father, uncle, friend etc went for war.. you sit down and pray to Lord every day for their safety along the frontline.. but suddenly, you get a telegram or letter or call telling you that he has died in the war and is a hero in the American's public eyes. Would you care abt this heroic title they give to your friend? I dun think so... But it is nevertheless heartbreaking and heartwrenching to see people losing their loved ones again, after the Sept 11th attacks, after the Afghanistan war. It is so scary to wake up in the middle of hte night, screaming for your loved ones' name, and worrying all day long without any news. The only hope you get is from Lord. This is the reality of war. This is what people has been experiencing. THough i had never experienced such sorrow and heartache before, but i can well imagine what it must be like for the people out there. Call me a dreamer, an imaginative person or a fantasist but soemtimes when i think about it, i can actually feel the pain of the people. It might be a little exaggerating but it's true. I can't imagine what will happen if i were to be in their shoes. Definitely i am not that strong but i know that at this time, comfort words are useless and feeble. All you care about is getting your loved ones back and who cares about the ultimate victory later on? In singapore, we are able to follow closely to this because we dun not have the worries they have.. we are able to criticise everything... we are just not in their shoes to feel the agony.. May God Bless the people of Iraq and the US troops... Already 16 US-coalition soldiers have died.. How many more is to go before the war ends?
Why War ??
Date : 20.03.03 2:29 pm
Mood : Sad
***********************************************************************************************
We had almost a decade of peace ever since
the collaspe of Soviet Union. No major disruptions to world peace, no major war
going on. No immediate threat to our security and survival. In fact, we
prospered. Why does US wants war now, especially after President George W Bush
takes over the presidency in United States today?? After the september 11th
attacks, i do agree unianimously with him that the threat of terrorism must be
removed completely. To protect ourselves against similar accidents or
situations, to protect our loved ones from extremists moves. But now, out of the
blue, why wage war with Iraq??
US growing unpopularity has been more vivid in these coming years. Mr Bill
Clinton did managed to salvage a little from the wreckage, but it is only so
limited. Here comes a president, who have a fettish for war and victory, a
fantasy for eliminating all the enemies for the world. Why judge others when
your own country is not doing well? US economy has been on the deficit, and the
deficit is growing bigger after the september 11th attacks. The recovery of this
economy is still unknown. Any war would delay it's recovery, hence delaying the
recovery of most economies in the world. Who can say that a war in middle east
does not affects us? The shortage of oil, the rising oil prices, the long drag
effect on the US economy will eat into us eventually. No matter through what
ways, we will be affected economically, if not politically. This drag effect
will pull the world down, which might cause further hardships than it has been
right now.
On what grounds do the US have the right to wage a war? Why does ppl support
them? Because they are the world superpower? Because they are always right? Or
because they are selfish and want to salvage their incompetence in capturing the
world's most wanted man, 'Osama Bin Laden'? I think the third reason might be a
little more realistic than the first two. Well, there has not been concrete
evidence to prove that there is a threat in Iraq. We do not deny this
possibility, but without hard core evidence, isn't it better to wait for a
little while and search throughly for evidence before waging any wars? War in
the past history has taught us that it brings nothing but heartache and sorrow
to people. People dies, soldiers get injuried, people loses their loved ones.
Isn't this what we had tried so hard to avoid ever since the world war two? We
seen so much hardship during the first half of the century. Why try to repeat
the same mistake again? How can we be so sure that this is the right move? Even
after destroying iraq, does it mean that they will not have any more banned
nuclear weapons? Does that mean that the world will be safe from now on? I do
not think so. In today's world, the most pressing threat is the terrorists
activities. They hurt people, kill people not only in one place, but spread all
over the world from US to Asia. Isn't that the most important thing to do now? I
wonder... Saddam Hussein is evil, i do agree. He might be mad. But does the ppl
in Iraq feels happy to see the US troops back to free them? I do not believe so.
Once in the television interview, i remembered this Iraqi who said, "We
hate Saddam Huessin. But we hate US even more. They are the real dictators, the
real imperialists." Perhaps because US has been acting under the name of
peace and goodwill, we all neglect that not all their actions are justifiable.
In North Korean War, they had gone past the 38th parallel which was supposed to
be the truce line. And thye had even gone past to bomb the Yalu River. ALl
because they feel that they should drive and elminate the communists once and
for all. Isn't that paranoia? They stress so much on human rights and
individualistic ideas but why restrict what other people think is right and
impose their own views on them? Is this just as contradicting? And later on
during the Vietnam war, they killed and massacre the whole village in Vietnam,
otherwise known as the My Lai Massacre. Is that a righteous act? They had gone
in without a clear purpose, and end up losing and withdrawing form that region.
Would that be the same scenario this time round with Iraq? High possibility. Why
engage in a war which will cause massive hurt to both sides? Especially if it is
not supported by the international community.
US may be superior in terms of the weaponry they used, the training their
soldiers undergo... But don't forget, they are the invading forces. People
resent their imperialism, and resist their goodwill. May God bless the people of
Iraq and the US soldiers for they are the most innocent people in this conflict,
engaging in a war which is unnecessary.
Date : 20.03.03 10:42 am
Mood : Drowsy
***********************************************************************************************
AH, finally i applied for university. Somehow, facing the reality isn't that bad
afterall. I'm glad i had not choosen the easy way out when i feel like bending
in. After all, i will emerge stronger than ever. Two days ago was my birthday.
Somehow, i dun feel much like it is a special day except that you get wishes
from your friends as well as presents. Other than that, it's anotehr normal day.
And the worst thing is that i was down with flu, fever and sore throat. What a
time i had. Well, pretty much tired. I felt like i was floating when i walked.
Yesterday i sounded like a frog croaking. And really, i did sound like a frog.
Well, it's hard to imagine i know but it was so terrible that even my friends
dun recognize my voice. haha... and now i am taking a break because it is so
difficult to speak with my voice right now, not to mention that i am having a
bad flu!!!! Oh my... such a time i had. But now it ain't any better. Oh well,
what am i talking about????? Even i am confused.
Well, i haven't bought anything for myself except for a pathetic cd for my
birthday. Still have lots of presents to collect from. But it was nice that
someone treated me lunch, and my bf treated me dinner.. hehe.. and my brother
got me Boa- Valenti, and furong got me a candle thingy. Hehe... and oh yahz, my
mum gave me a specs as mine was 8 years old already. Then my dad gave me some
money. So i still have 4 more presents to collect. One from my friend, 2 from my
cousins and one from my bf. Yeah!!!!! Biggie presents down there man. Why am i
so happy? Anyway, receiving wishes and presents are the happiest moments in
life!!!!! Well, i'm hungry now.
Hmm.. stupid really.. i took on a tution near my place.. the mother was so
demanding saying that she dun care if u had some business to attend to or u r
sick, u just have to come during exams period. Then i was like, "what will
happen if i go into university?" And i called the tution agency up, told
her i didn't want to take on this assignment anymore.. and the mother and the
agency kept pestering me for the whole day. i jsut ignored all their calls and
slept thruout the day as i was sick and on heavy medication. Speaking of sleepy,
i feel alittle drowsy now....
Okay.. i am rattling on senseless rubbish now.. i must stop before i say weird
things again.. have a nice day everyone
Date: 12.03.03 2:11 pm
Mood : Blank
Music : Lena Park ~ Beauty Salon
***********************************************************************************************
Haiz.. Almost a week had passed me by.. Not feeling the strain now.. but still
unable to talk much about it.. Wrote the tune for the song i had penned on last
sunday. Feeling slightly better. At least i can accept now. But i really dun
understand. How did things turn out this way?? I always did better than my
counterparts in school but yet it turns out the other way round. Why must heaven
play such a big joke on me? But maybe it is the best for me. I think Lord has
his own plans. He wants to make me into a better and stronger person. Yes, he
has his plans for me. I will await for that patiently. I know he is leading me
up to a path. I just have to wait and see.
Last weekend was really bad. Shocked my parents real badly. I was practically
crying the whole day man... not only on thurs, but fri, sat. It is only till
sunday when i start to feel better. The moment when i penned down the song, i
know i am on my way to rebound. I know that i would just get over with it. Yah..
i took it real badly because i just couldnt understand why things turn out this
way, especially if i did better in school. i just hate myself for blacking out
during econs paper. I hate myself for everything. I let my parents down. I was
hoping so much to bring good news to them. But i couldn't. I had even made them
worry about me. I was wondering why do i exist in this god damn fucking world? I
seriously considered committing suicide. But i couldn't do it. I couldn't let my
parents down anymore. I would despise myself for taking the easy way out. I
always sneer at those who commit suicide. I couldn't bear to allow myself become
one of them. And my principles just didn't allow me to take this route. I always
believed that if you can find the courage to commit suicide, you will have the
courage to face up to everything. Yes... And the closest i have ever came to
committing suicide was when i went up to the merlion in sentosa. It was 11
floors up. And the first thought that flows into my mind was "if i ever
want to commit suicide, i will definitely come here." Stupid thought. I
freaked out my friends and cousins. But now i'm okayz. I will find the courage
to go on. I will walked through the rain and reach the sunny day.
Date: 09.03.03 9:27 am
Mood : Calm
Music : Blue ~ Best in Me
***********************************************************************************************
My Sad Song
I can't accept it initally
I refused to believ it
But when reality sets in
It hurts so much inside
I had doubts about myself
I didn't want to reach otu to anyone
All i wanted was to escape
To somewhere else
Amid my pain i had forgotton
That the only person i can't runaway from is myself
I had fallen down continuously
Failures seems to hit me repeatedly
But if i hold on tight to my beliefs
Everything seems a little clearer to me
Even if i can't see the blue sky
I nkow that the dark clouds above
Will evenutally move away from me
There is nothing in this world that stays forever
Now that time had passed by
The deep wound inside me begun to heal
Though i still cant control my emotions now
Everything will fine
I'm indebted to all who had shown me concern
Though i kept them far away
Don't worry my dear friends
I won't give up so easily
Though i might be devastated now
I will find the courage to move on
I know i will step out of this eventually
And emerge stronger than ever
By then i would know
That nothing can bring me down again
Life is more than just
Fufilling our expectations
As hard as i try to find an answer
I could only see the faith inside
'Cause i see a hero inside me
Date : 04.03.03 5:52 pm
Mood : Scared
Music : Utada Hikaru ~ Addicted To You - Up in heaven mix
***********************************************************************************************
AH!!!!!!!!! MY NITEMARE IS HERE!!!!! A LEVELS WILL BE RELEASED ON THURS!!! How
fast can that be? SUper fast. Anyway, i haven't been sleeping well ever since
the release of O levels and i feel extremely tired right now. Scared, yes. Tired
too! I keep on having visions like i get those lousy type of results i get in tj,
and it scares the shit out of me. If i were to get those results again, i will
be stuck halfway. Can't go to uni, but cna't go back to jc. SHARKS!!! And the
worst thing is that, ppl have been asking what course i wan to take in uni and i
have been telling them if the reuslts is good, i shall try for law. If not, just
settle for arts and social science. BUT... what if i cant even get into uni?
What if i just got stuck in between as feareD? I don't know. Though i admit i am
not those super hardworking type, but i think i had worked harder in JC than i
had ever did throughout my 12 years of school life. Maybe it is the sense of
inferiority complex that i have when i enter tjc. i should not have been there
but i got in by pure chance of luck. No i should not say that. I should say i
got in because Lord gave me a second chance to revive myself. I cherish it, but
i am jsut not those who can study 18hrs out of 24 hrs a day and not get
irritated. The most i can do is with 12 hours . I need time to rest too!!! Haiz..
i am so scared. I am afraid of disappointing my parents rather than
disappointing myself. My O levels was a big disappointment. And because of that,
i strive hard this time, hoping that history does not repeat itself. BUt then
again, A levels and O levels are worlds apart. I can't be so sure that hard work
can bring me to uni nowadays. And O levels left such a dark shadow on me that i
feel that anything can happen. It does not mean that when u study, u will get
the grades. It means much more than that. The only way i know how to comfort
myself is thru praying and reading bible. I pray to Lord that he will give me
the strength i need to face my own results. Especially if it is bad. I have
already thought of places to go on thurs if i get the bad news. I shall escape
to a place where no one can find me, not even my bf. And once i get my results,
i shall siam far far away from my classmates. If i did badly, at least i can be
spare from the agony of facing their questions. Ah. So many uncertainities. I
just hope that i can get into uni and that's it.
Date : 03.03.03 Awake
Mood : Awake
Music : Utada Hikaru ~ Addicted to you - Underwater Mix
***********************************************************************************************
Eh, i wanted to write diary an hour + ago,
but didn't have the time because i was doing some calling. Now i have a little
time, i think i would take roughly about 5 mins to finish it up.
I hate growing up. Because whenever i see my friends changing into those
despicable adults, i feel sorry for them. For one of my friends said something
like , "iT's my life. i appreciate your concern but i have already chose
this path." I feel very very sorry for her though she might feel that there
is nothing to feel sorry about. Because all along i saw how my cousin changes,
growing up and all these, i see super bad side of her. And now, you know what
her siblings speak when they refer to her? They say "that person".
Don't you find that sad? Anyway, it's none of my business really. I shouldn't be
poking my nose into other ppl's businesses because afterall, it's their life not
mine. I just have to choose the way i want my life to be, and leave others to
their own choices. Even one day if they turn around and regret it, i still can't
do anything about it. I just hope that since they carry this mentality and
beliefs now, just carry it all the way throughout their life and don't ever say
you regret. Because humans are most helpless in fact of regrets. It is something
you can never change, but something that will lives in your heart forever.
I think i think too much. Too much childhood fantasis of helping ppl to change
back to the right route. It is too idealistic. The world don't work this way
really, and it is foolish to even try to deceive myself that things can go this
way. Once my classmates were arguing about this topic of becoming adults,
despicable adults just like any other ppl. We were saying that it's difficult to
hold on to our beliefs and thinking, but it is not entirely impossible. The
people whom gains respect and admiration are ppl would excel in what they do,
but yet retaining their own principles and beliefs and do not go along with the
crowd. I want to work towards becoming such a person. I will hold on to what i
believe while adapting to this world. But i will never let myself change into
someone i detest no matter how fast the ppl around me changes. I will learn not
to be bothered about my friends so much because it is simply not worth it.